Heavy Metal (1981), a Live + Sound + Cinema event with BLACK LODGE. (Tickets)

1. I was all set to watch Heavy Metal after midnight at my house yesterday and I came up with every reason not to and put it off until morning. Pussy alert.

2. The reason I love South Park’s now legendary spoof of the film is because of how closely it mirrors my impression of Heavy Metal. This is a film dedicated to boobs, more boobs and really horrible looking monsters stabbing each other in the neck with blood just… coming from every witch way. Still, I always have to come back. Curse those rockin’ tits.

3. My computer completely crashed while I was re-watching this movie, freezing on the moment when the evil green orb melts the little girl’s dad. This part:


This movie does not like me.

4. Why does the sum of all evil care about showing off his evil powers to a 12-year-old girl? I don’t think she’s even listening to him; she’s just staring and screaming.

5. I’m about five minutes into this movie and already 3 people have been disintegrated while going “BlRAAAGGGhhhHH.”

6. The story where the stacked secretary gets abducted by robot John Candy and stoner alien Harold Ramis isn’t scary or frightening at all, why would the evil green orb even tell this story?

7. I feel like I should apologize for all of the crass blood, guts and boobs talk, but this is Heavy Metal, and there’s no real getting around it. So. Sorry.

8. I like that the portion of the movie narrated by John Candy actually seems like it was written by a 13-year-old. The hero has sex twice, people get eaten and ride around on giant dragonflies. There are kind of saucy sacrifice scenes. It’s like an adaptation of some kid with A.D.D.’s chemistry notebook and it’s all crammed into a 10- minute span.

9. If I were to consider this movie like a mature adult (if that’s even possible), my favorite sequence in this movie is B-17, where the Loc-Nar finds its way inside of a mortally damaged B-52 bomber. The animation during this sequence is a marvel, all moving shadows and grotesque details.

It reads like something from EC Comics rather than Heavy Metal magazine, which makes a good deal of sense considering it was written by the late sci-fi legend Dan O’Bannon, who wrote Alien, Return of the Living Dead and Total Recall.

10. Aside from “B-52,” every time I watch Heavy Metal, I just want to skip to the last and longest segment, “Taarna,” with the Devo songs and the silver haired warrior woman riding that lizard bird.

Maybe I like this movie more than I remembered.