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Play Ball: Major League (1989, David S. Ward)
Saturday, April 26 & Sunday, April 27; Brunch | Buy Tickets
By Kris King (@KrisKingTornado)

1. I don’t really follow baseball. I do like baseball. It’s got hats, the food’s good, and the games are pretty laid back until YEAH! HOME RUN! It’s fun, but really getting into baseball involves too many numbers and they play goddamn constantly. This is why baseball movies are the best. They provide the vibe and drama of the sport without having to put in all of the work of liking a team. So, Go Indians! It’s baseball season for 90 minutes!

2. A good friend of mine has been an Indians fan since small times, and it’s like a bad marriage. The Indians are pretty bad, traditionally; they don’t have very deep pockets, and their mascot is super racist (Much worse than the more notorious Redskins logo, I think; but the Indians aren’t owned by renowned asshole Dan Snyder, who fuels most of that fire). My friend does not like Major League. Apparently it “misrepresents his team,” or something. People who like bad sports teams are always miserable, aren’t they?

3. Speaking of racist mascots, I am a big fan of Jobu, Cerano’s made up, rum-swilling Voodoo God who can’t do shit for your ability to hit a curve ball. According to the movie, though, Jesus Christ can’t do much for your curve ball problem either. The movie is really Kill Your Idols in that way.

4. Incidentally, I once told a friend “Up your butt, Jobu” in school and was sent to the principal’s office. 4th grade. My mother punished me by not taking me to the video store that weekend — she always fit the punishment to the crime.

5. In 1989, the Indians’ AAA farm team was the Colorado Springs Sky Sox, but in the movie they pull General Manager Lou Brown from the Toledo Mud Hens, which is Detroit’s farm team. This is a discrepancy that no one cares about, BUT, my theory as to why they use that team in the movie is because the Mud Hens is the funniest minor league team name. I don’t know what a Mud Hen is, but I assume it’s a a mud covered chicken. Great mascot. It’s right up there with other minor league greats like the El Paso Chihuahuas, the Lehigh Valley Ironpigs, and the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders.

6. For the baller on a budget: look into getting a busted ass Volkswagen Beetle with the front of a Rolls Royce grafted onto it. It’s the car of choice for both Willie Mays Hayes and Chong in Up in Smoke.

Classic.

7. Sometimes when I start writing these things I’ll just write a random thought in a space to expand on later. Here’s what I wrote for #7: “the eternal appeal of classless boobs.” I do these things very late at night.

8. Picking a favorite character from Major League is one of those next to impossible situations, but let’s try. For me it comes down to Coach Lou Brown, announcer Bob Uecker and that construction worker who says “fuckin'” all the time. I enjoy the no-bullshit rebelliousness of Lou Brown, but I appreciate that Uecker’s character drinks whiskey out of a styrofoam cup with a little umbrella in it. As for the third guy, I don’t know. I guess I just like bad language….. I can’t pick. It’s one of them.

9. Does winning the championship ever matter in these movies? I honestly can’t remember if the Indians win the pennant in this one or if they lose. Or if the one where the team loses is Little Big League. Please don’t make me watch Little Big League to figure this out. (Spoiler Alert: I don’t remember either – Ed)

10. The Indians beat the Royals today.

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