We’ve all been there, seeing a movie for the first time with someone you like but barely know and it’s all good times until suddenly something sexually deviant happens on the big screen. Inspired by our own bad dates as well as the bad date from Taxi Driver to see The Language of Love (Both playing at Nitehawk this week), we here at Hatched are helping out the young lovers of the world by listing a few of the movies you don’t want to see on a first date. Third date maybe.
Steven Shainberg’s SECRETARY (2002)
Like Caryn said in the intro, Secretary would make for a great third date movie. It’s a steamy look at a relationship between a dominant lawyer and his submissive legal aid, exploring an abnormal sexual relationship in a way that’s almost romantic. It’s kind of perfect for a more established relationship; but on a first date, the other half would probably think you’re trying to coerce them into something. When James Spader throws a saddle on Maggie Gyllenhall’s back, your date will probably expect you to throw them a side-eyed glance and go “Ehh? Ehhhhh?” — Kris King
David Cronenberg’s CRASH (1996)
I actually saw Crash on a first date so I speak from experience. Based on a J.G. Ballard novel of the same name and directed by David Cronenberg you know it’s going to be all about the body and the potential horrors associated with it. The film centers around a group of people who have a form of paraphilia (i.e. they get sexually aroused from car accidents). Putting themselves in physical danger, broken and bruised, the extremes to satisfy their sexual desires seem to have no bounds. It’s dark and dirty, literally. The plus side of watching Crash on a first date is that although it may be awkward, at least you can assess the adventurous level of your next potential partner. – Caryn Coleman
Giorgos Lanthimos’s DOGTOOTH (2009)
I like to imagine that a lot of people fell into the trap of seeing Greek director Giorgos Lanthimos’s bizarro childrearing yarn Dogtooth on a date. It’s a great movie, which received a slew of critical acclaim and tempting accolades at its release, which is pretty tempting when you’re trying to be all fancy for a date. But I’d tap the breaks on working this one into your sexual posturing routine. Dogtooth follows a man who has raised his three adult children in total isolation, spending years shaping them to reflect his own flip-flopped view of the world. He teaches them incorrect vocabulary, prevents them from ever leaving the grounds, and only allows the oldest male son the privilege of outside company in the form of a woman that’s hired to have sex with him. Once the influence of the real world inevitibly slips into the compound, the father’s system starts to unravel, which is when the hammer beating, cat murdering and incest takes hold of the movie. — Kris King
Pier Paolo Pasolini’s SALO OR 120 DAYS OF SODOM (1975)
Few films attack society through our senses more than Pasolini’s infamous Salo or 120 Days of Sodom. Depraved, nauseating and yet utterly engrossing, the film takes Marquis de Sade’s texts on torture and degradation to the Fascist Italy of 1944 showing a group of young girls and boys taken to an opulent private home by three powerful men to fulfill their every desire. And we mean everything. From copious amounts of excrement to extreme acts of humiliation, Salo is still one of the most controversial films ever made. We recommend seeing it alone or after ten years of marriage. – Caryn Coleman
Mary Harron’s AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)
One of the most effective screeds against the global population of empty yuppie scumbags, American Psycho is also a terrible first date movie. It’s pretty common first date ground to share your favorite movie with a date who may have missed the boat, and I’ve met a lot of people who consider American Psycho one of their favorite movies. To these people I say this: don’t go all “You haven’t seen American Psycho? It’s one of my favorites!” on a potential romantic partner. As funny and literary and iconic a movie American Psycho is, it’s also jarringly violent, which can obscure its better qualities and make you look like a crazy person. About half way through your date might start to wonder if you’re going to eat his or her skin. — Kris King
Honorable mention…François Ozon’s CRIMINAL LOVERS (1999)
Probably a good idea to see this film with someone you know very well!